"The problem with being a dad to a stillborn child is that people assume that because you are a man, you are somehow less affected by the loss," Nick told me the other night, "I'd like to write a blog post about it one day but I don't know where to start. How do you…
My Happy Challenge
Ieuan made me laugh last week and as I caught a glimpse of myself in my bedroom mirror, I didn't recognise the woman smiling back. It was at this point that I realised that I don't laugh as much as I used to. Grief will do that to you. There have been times when I…
Misconceptions Of Baby Loss
In the nine short months since Evalyn died, we have become more aware of the misconceptions about stillbirth and baby loss. In a way, it's understandable. Society prefers to cover its ears and avoid the subject when the words "dead baby" are thrown into conversation. But that means we don't talk about it. And it…
Teddy Bears and Birthday Wishes
We were already running late for the school run when Ieuan looked up at me and asked me a simple question. "Mum? What do you think Evalyn will buy me for my birthday?" It is the hardest thing to look your child in the eye whilst trying to stop your own from filling with tears.…
Two Mothers (a poem)
She told them that the pain she felt was just too much to bear. They squeezed her arm and told her, "just hold on, you're nearly there." And sure enough the screams from her gave way to tiny cries, She grabbed her husband's hand and saw the pride fill up his eyes. I…
A Sprinkling of ‘Star Dust’ and a Quiet Place . . . .
Have you ever found yourself standing in a room and all you can think is I shouldn't be here? A few weeks after losing Evalyn, I stood in the funeral directors wanting to scream at the salmon-coloured walls. Why was I here? Why me? What had I done to deserve this? Why had life chosen…
The “This Time Last Year” Year
This time last year, I was in the very early stages of pregnancy with Evalyn. I think back to the woman I was then, the excitement I felt when I found out we were expecting. We had spent so many months being disappointed but there it was - two lines on the test!! - and…
Loss Through Little Eyes
As parents, our main aim is to protect our children. When they cry as newborns through those long nights, we go to them. When they scrape their knee and recoil at the sight of the red liquid on their skin, we're right there with a plaster. When they fall out with friends, we tell them it…
The “In-Between” Parent
On the day our daughter was stillborn, we were granted entry into a surreal new world of the "in-between parent". A place where you are allowed to experience everything the prospect of becoming a parent to a new baby brings; growing your child inside of you, attending scans, choosing names, announcing to friends and family,…
The Beginning of Grief
I remember the exact moment I realised she was gone. 4:02am. Tuesday 8th November. I'd had a slight niggle in my head when I'd fallen asleep that night. Had she moved much today? Yes, she had. I'd felt her. And besides, Evalyn sometimes had her quieter days and I'd kept track of her movements since…
After Evalyn 