Making Memories Without You

**Trigger: this post refers to pregnancy/baby after loss **   Dear Evalyn, We went on our second holiday without you this month. Last year, on our first holiday without you, we found out we were pregnant with your sister and this year she was right there with us. But don't think for a single moment…

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Teardrops and Two Lines

*TRIGGER WARNING . . . This blog talks about pregnancy after loss*   It was the early hours of the morning and I was sat on the windowsill of the hospital suite looking out across the courtyard at the opposite side of the building. I watched through the windows as life carried on outside of…

The Blues

**Trigger Warning: This post talks about Pregnancy After Loss **   It took me a long time to love my son. With hindsight, that seems like an inconcievable thought. I look at him now as the beautiful five-year-old that he is and can't imagine a world with him not in it. But back then, in…

Opening The Memory Box

If someone asked me what I remember most about Evalyn, my answer would be simple; her hands. I remember the midwife taking her away immediately after birth at my request. I felt her leaving my body, saw a quick flash of her hair as the midwife swept her into her arms and out of the…

Flowers and Feelings

"They're beautiful!" I smiled at the delivery driver as she handed me the bouquet of flowers. I watched her walk back to her car before shutting the front door and turned to find Ieuan standing behind me. "Look at these!," I said to him, "Shall we go and find a nice vase to put them…

New Year Musings

On 31st December last year, I wrote the following in my diary: New Years Eve. It tends to be a day when people look back on the year they've just had and pick out their best moments. But for us, 2016, you have been nothing but turmoil. This year feels like a bad dream that…

Another Christmas Without You

Dear Evalyn, I remember visiting your special place last Christmas. I remember the heaviness that weighed down on my chest and I have come to realise over this year that this is the feeling of missing you. I remember families who had ventured to the same woods walking by where we stood, probably wondering to…

One Year Without You

Dear Evalyn, Do you remember when we said our last Goodbye? It was around 12:30pm on the 9th November last year. I was sitting on the hospital bed and you were there in front of me lying wrapped up in your little moses basket. You looked so perfect, so beautiful and in that moment I…

The Long Run

We were standing near the starting line when a woman we didn't know came over and pulled us all into a warm embrace. "I'm so sorry," she said, pointing to our SANDS tops. She too was wearing a similar one. "It's just an awful thing to have to go through. I'm running for my Grandson."…

Regrowth

I glanced at my reflection one last time in the mirror, put down the hairspray and sighed. What was the point? I'd been working on the fly-away hairs for fifteen minutes and they were still no closer to obeying my orders to just stay put. Ahhhh postpartum hair regrowth! One more treat for mothers to…