Triggers

"A trigger in psychology is a stimulus such as a smell, sound or sight that triggers feelings of trauma." I folded the clothes neatly into a pile and placed them into the bag ready to go to the charity shop. Some of the jumpers were nearly new and had only been worn a handful of…

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Catching The Bad Dreams

The week after Evalyn passed away, I remember waking up in the night to the sound of Ieuan crying out in his sleep. Nick and I leapt from our bed and ran to his room by which time, Ieuan had already woken himself up. "What were you dreaming about, darling?" I asked him as I…

The Sad “Congratulations”

"Congratulations," my text said, "Enjoy every moment with your little girl. Love to you all." I hit the send button, put my phone down on the table and cried. I think that was the moment I truly realised how much my attidude towards pregnancy and birth has changed since losing Evalyn only four short months…

Loss Through Little Eyes

As parents, our main aim is to protect our children. When they cry as newborns through those long nights, we go to them. When they scrape their knee and recoil at the sight of the red liquid on their skin, we're right there with a plaster. When they fall out with friends, we tell them it…

Finding Hope In Rainbows

I never really used to notice rainbows. My son, Ieuan, was the one who'd get excited over the arch of colours that appeared in the sky. "Look, mum! LOOK!", he'd exclaim, his little face full of excitement, "Where do they come from?" "Well," I told him, "rainbows appear when it's sunny and rainy together. Rainbows…

The “In-Between” Parent

On the day our daughter was stillborn, we were granted entry into a surreal new world of the "in-between parent". A place where you are allowed to experience everything the prospect of becoming a parent to a new baby brings; growing your child inside of you, attending scans, choosing names, announcing to friends and family,…

The Beginning of Grief

I remember the exact moment I realised she was gone. 4:02am. Tuesday 8th November. I'd had a slight niggle in my head when I'd fallen asleep that night. Had she moved much today? Yes, she had. I'd felt her. And besides, Evalyn sometimes had her quieter days and I'd kept track of her movements since…