"A trigger in psychology is a stimulus such as a smell, sound or sight that triggers feelings of trauma." I folded the clothes neatly into a pile and placed them into the bag ready to go to the charity shop. Some of the jumpers were nearly new and had only been worn a handful of…
The week after Evalyn passed away, I remember waking up in the night to the sound of Ieuan crying out in his sleep. Nick and I leapt from our bed and ran to his room by which time, Ieuan had already woken himself up. "What were you dreaming about, darling?" I asked him as I…
There's alot of literature out there about surviving life after loss. I should know. In the hours after losing Evalyn, my Google search was that of a desperate, grieving mother: How will I cope after losing my baby? How to cope after suffering a stillbirth. Stillbirth at 37 weeks +6. Will I be able to…
Ieuan made me laugh last week and as I caught a glimpse of myself in my bedroom mirror, I didn't recognise the woman smiling back. It was at this point that I realised that I don't laugh as much as I used to. Grief will do that to you. There have been times when I…
I'm not really sure when it was during our pregnancy that Evalyn became a possible name on our 'baby name list'. We had a couple of possible names for a boy but for some reason we just couldn't find the right one for a girl. It was made all the more difficult because we wanted…
One of the hardest things to do in life is to ask for help. It's even harder when you don't know where to seek it from. The main problem that I have found with the topic of stillbirth is that it is almost hidden from society. We talk about death. We discuss the passing…
I watched Ieuan carefully examining his birthday present. "What does the tag say?" I asked him. He squinted down at my handwriting as he began to sound out the words. "To Ieuan, love . . . . . . EVALYN!" He quickly unwrapped the paper and pulled the little brown teddy from the packaging. I…
We were already running late for the school run when Ieuan looked up at me and asked me a simple question. "Mum? What do you think Evalyn will buy me for my birthday?" It is the hardest thing to look your child in the eye whilst trying to stop your own from filling with tears.…
Learning to live after loss is a slow process. It is easy for an outsider to see a grieving person months later, to see them laughing and smiling and be thankful that they look like they are in a happier place. But I can assure you, we haven't moved on. We are just learning to…
Have you ever found yourself standing in a room and all you can think is I shouldn't be here? A few weeks after losing Evalyn, I stood in the funeral directors wanting to scream at the salmon-coloured walls. Why was I here? Why me? What had I done to deserve this? Why had life chosen…
After Evalyn 