I sometimes wish I could package up the support that our friends have shown to us since November and hand it out to people experiencing grief - like a little 'hug in a bottle'. In the hours after we lost Evalyn and the hours before I gave birth to her, my mind went into major…
Memory Boxes and “What Ifs?”
When Evalyn died, the very kind midwives who looked after us made up a memory box for us to take home. It's a bit like being given the consolation prize in a horrific game show. . . . "Thank You, Lyndsey and Nick, for taking part in 'Creating Life' but unfortunately, you are not winners…
Caves, Cheese and Contemplation
Last week we went on an 'escape-away' to Somerset. Four days away from our lives, and our first family break without Evalyn. I was always going to have mixed emotions. A small part of me wondered if it was too soon to try a family holiday. I mean, how could I possibly even contemplate being…
For The Love of a Pug
We have always wanted a dog. But we wanted to do it right. Me and Nick both worked full time and it wouldn't have been fair to introduce a dog into our family when we weren't around to care for it properly. In February 2016, I fell pregnant with Evalyn and that's when we formulated…
Grief . . . . My Enemy, My Friend
Grief, I'm slowly learning, is a process. I am sometimes a victim of my own projection. I often let my mind wander off too far into the distance, willing myself to reach a point in my life where everything hurts a little less. Then I slowly reel myself back to shore. I know that I…
The Sad “Congratulations”
"Congratulations," my text said, "Enjoy every moment with your little girl. Love to you all." I hit the send button, put my phone down on the table and cried. I think that was the moment I truly realised how much my attidude towards pregnancy and birth has changed since losing Evalyn only four short months…
Don’t be a ‘fool’ on April Fools’ Day
Tomorrow is the 1st April and here in the UK, that means April Fools' Day - a day where it's become tradition for people to play pranks on eachother. Alot of people don't bother. Some people go out of their way to out-do eachother. And most pranks are usually harmless (or don't even work as…
To the ‘Man in the Van’ . . . .
To the man in the van who called out of his window at me on my way to pick my son up from school. To the man in the van who yelled the words, "Oi oi, sexy! - beeping his horn as he did so - Aww, smile love! Cheer up!!! It's not the the…
Surviving Mother’s Day . . . . (one rollercoaster at a time)!
There is no one 'type' of mother. There are the mother's who get to experience the joy of watching their children grow up. There are the mother's who must continue in this world with nothing but a memory and a broken heart. There are the mother's who love children not born to them as their…
The “This Time Last Year” Year
This time last year, I was in the very early stages of pregnancy with Evalyn. I think back to the woman I was then, the excitement I felt when I found out we were expecting. We had spent so many months being disappointed but there it was - two lines on the test!! - and…
After Evalyn 