"It's perfect!!" I smiled at Nick, "It is exactly what I wanted! Our baby will love it!" It was October, and Nick had just finished painting the last wall in Evalyn's nursery. I had spent the previous weeks making decisions on what colours to choose and where her furniture should go. It had been so…
I sometimes wish I could package up the support that our friends have shown to us since November and hand it out to people experiencing grief - like a little 'hug in a bottle'. In the hours after we lost Evalyn and the hours before I gave birth to her, my mind went into major…
When Evalyn died, the very kind midwives who looked after us made up a memory box for us to take home. It's a bit like being given the consolation prize in a horrific game show. . . . "Thank You, Lyndsey and Nick, for taking part in 'Creating Life' but unfortunately, you are not winners…
Last week we went on an 'escape-away' to Somerset. Four days away from our lives, and our first family break without Evalyn. I was always going to have mixed emotions. A small part of me wondered if it was too soon to try a family holiday. I mean, how could I possibly even contemplate being…
Grief, I'm slowly learning, is a process. I am sometimes a victim of my own projection. I often let my mind wander off too far into the distance, willing myself to reach a point in my life where everything hurts a little less. Then I slowly reel myself back to shore. I know that I…
To the man in the van who called out of his window at me on my way to pick my son up from school. To the man in the van who yelled the words, "Oi oi, sexy! - beeping his horn as he did so - Aww, smile love! Cheer up!!! It's not the the…
There is no one 'type' of mother. There are the mother's who get to experience the joy of watching their children grow up. There are the mother's who must continue in this world with nothing but a memory and a broken heart. There are the mother's who love children not born to them as their…
This time last year, I was in the very early stages of pregnancy with Evalyn. I think back to the woman I was then, the excitement I felt when I found out we were expecting. We had spent so many months being disappointed but there it was - two lines on the test!! - and…
As parents, our main aim is to protect our children. When they cry as newborns through those long nights, we go to them. When they scrape their knee and recoil at the sight of the red liquid on their skin, we're right there with a plaster. When they fall out with friends, we tell them it…
In the hours after my son's birth back in 2012, there are two things that I remember the most. The first was the shock I felt at becoming a new mother. I hadn't had the easiest labour. Ieuan was determined to stay inside of my tummy and had made us wait the whole 42 weeks…
After Evalyn 