Postcards From Heaven (a poem)

             

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Explanations

I was never prepared for the questions our four year old son asked us after Evalyn died. Why couldn't your tummy keep her alive, Mummy? Did she not love us enough to stay? Was she sad when she had to leave? He processed her death in the innocent way his mind knew how, and yet,…

Two Years Without You

Dear Evalyn, Do you know what I've realised in the two years since I last held you in my arms? Two years feels like yesterday. We don't move on as grieving parents. We have to move forward as the world continues to turn - even if we are unsure of the direction - but we…

Outside Of The Mums Club

** Trigger : This post speaks about pregnancy/parenting after loss**   When Ieuan was 3 weeks old, I took him to a local Mum and Baby group and realised one hour in that it just wasn't for me. Ieuan was a Summer baby with both colic and reflux and an impressive ability to scream for…

Teardrops and Two Lines

*TRIGGER WARNING . . . This blog talks about pregnancy after loss*   It was the early hours of the morning and I was sat on the windowsill of the hospital suite looking out across the courtyard at the opposite side of the building. I watched through the windows as life carried on outside of…

Opening The Memory Box

If someone asked me what I remember most about Evalyn, my answer would be simple; her hands. I remember the midwife taking her away immediately after birth at my request. I felt her leaving my body, saw a quick flash of her hair as the midwife swept her into her arms and out of the…

Flowers and Feelings

"They're beautiful!" I smiled at the delivery driver as she handed me the bouquet of flowers. I watched her walk back to her car before shutting the front door and turned to find Ieuan standing behind me. "Look at these!," I said to him, "Shall we go and find a nice vase to put them…

New Year Musings

On 31st December last year, I wrote the following in my diary: New Years Eve. It tends to be a day when people look back on the year they've just had and pick out their best moments. But for us, 2016, you have been nothing but turmoil. This year feels like a bad dream that…

Reflecting and Resurfacing

*TRIGGER* (This article talks about pregnancy after loss)   It was early morning and we were just walking out of one of the hospital rooms after a CTG when I saw it on the wall. It was a laminated picture of a blue and black butterfly and an explanation underneath informing people to remain quiet…