A Sprinkling of ‘Star Dust’ and a Quiet Place . . . .

Have you ever found yourself standing in a room and all you can think is I shouldn't be here? A few weeks after losing Evalyn, I stood in the funeral directors wanting to scream at the salmon-coloured walls. Why was I here? Why me? What had I done to deserve this? Why had life chosen…

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Back To Square One

Will you try for another baby? It's a question I've been asked alot. It's a question that I've thought about alot. But it is also a complicated question. When we lost Evalyn, I remember turning to Nick in the early hours when sleep just wouldn't come. "This can't be it," I told him, "I don't…

Breaking The Taboo

It was the first day of the year that felt like spring and the park was full. Everybody seemed to be taking advantage of the good weather and parents seemed eager to get their children out into the sunshine before it set for the day. I watched Ieuan pull himself up onto the climbing frame,…

Six Months

Dear Evalyn, According to the calendar that hangs on the wall, it has been six months since we lost you. In my head, it only feels like yesterday. Six months. It is hard not to contemplate all of the things you would have already achieved had life let us keep you. You would have had…

A Little Mint Heart On The Wall

"It's perfect!!" I smiled at Nick, "It is exactly what I wanted! Our baby will love it!" It was October, and Nick had just finished painting the last wall in Evalyn's nursery. I had spent the previous weeks making decisions on what colours to choose and where her furniture should go. It had been so…

Caves, Cheese and Contemplation

Last week we went on an 'escape-away' to Somerset. Four days away from our lives, and our first family break without Evalyn. I was always going to have mixed emotions. A small part of me wondered if it was too soon to try a family holiday. I mean, how could I possibly even contemplate being…

For The Love of a Pug

We have always wanted a dog. But we wanted to do it right. Me and Nick both worked full time and it wouldn't have been fair to introduce a dog into our family when we weren't around to care for it properly. In February 2016, I fell pregnant with Evalyn and that's when we formulated…

Grief . . . . My Enemy, My Friend

Grief, I'm slowly learning, is a process. I am sometimes a victim of my own projection. I often let my mind wander off too far into the distance, willing myself to reach a point in my life where everything hurts a little less. Then I slowly reel myself back to shore. I know that I…